Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
We make a great pear
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.