"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
You are so right. And I am so left.