What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
You have been running through my mind all day.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.