My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
I loaf you.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.