It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
The huddle is real
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”