What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
You can stand under my umbrella.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
I “lub” you.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.