“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.