What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Your good weed for the day.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"