What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
Hold on for deer life.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
How hot does your gas oven get?
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.