What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.