I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
I have no shelf control.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
You are spud-tacular.