What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
"I'm nuts about you."
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
I like you, you croc my world.
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray