A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
My love for you is so strong it can’t be dialyzed.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
I am a mean green machine.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.