What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.