Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
I've taken up online yoga since the COVID-19 outbreak started.
It helps me namaste at home.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.