There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.