What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
You’re my lucky charm.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.