I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Let’s make like a banana and split.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!