What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.