I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
Fir sure.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?