What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
I can't let it be until I get your number.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
Variety is the ice of life.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
You are my raisin to smile.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.