Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Water you doing on [date]?
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.