“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
I think you're barbe-cute.
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
How hot does your gas oven get?
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear