“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
You are sweeter than 3.14.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
You look like a vision in your dress tartan.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
I think therefore I yam.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Want to lock our bikes together?