My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
You're not allowed to use your hands in this game.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.