What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
I really like you. So does my wife.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business