Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.