How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
Dublin’ the fun.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
We bee-long together.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.