Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."