Some bunny loves you.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
I’ve got my ion you, baby.
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Get clover it, babe.
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
I wanna bob for your apples.
You're like baseball: You make me all nervous
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.