Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
Permission to board?
It takes one to snow one.
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
Except the direction I'm walking in.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
One should always practice what they peach.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
"On cloud wine."
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.