Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
You're a good egg.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Girls just wanna have sun.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
My lobster's name is:
Claude
Where are sharks from?
Finland!