“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
Hey, not sure if I should be telling you this, but I’m a Prince and I’m currently looking for my Cinder-Bella
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.