What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
I sulfur when you argon.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings