I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
You're hotter than a data center!
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
So, is it my dugout or yours?
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
You’re sledding a fine line there.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.