Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mirra.
Mirra who?
Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
You’re unbeleafable.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.