What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
I’m browsing the winter-net.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)