Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
You are so right. And I am so left.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
This morning I saw a beautiful flower, and thought of you.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.