Can I hiber-mate with you?
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
Wanna see a magic trick? Abrakadabra, you're single now.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
One should always practice what they peach.
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions