What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !

It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.

It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.

Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.

My weekend is fully booked.

I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.

The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.

Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.

Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!

How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.

What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.

“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder

When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.

You’re sleigh-in’ it.

Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields

A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.

What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.

Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!

Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.

What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic

What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.

Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.

What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.

What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.

"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.

Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.

What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.

I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.

What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!

I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.

How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.

What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.

If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.

What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.

All dressed up and nowhere to grow.

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.

Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!

Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?

What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.

Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.

Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose

Got plans for leftovers, yet?

Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.

Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.

A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users

"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain