What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
You really mermaid my day.
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!