I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
Even the Chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?