If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.

In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.

What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison

“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis

What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.

What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.

What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.

How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.

My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.

“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.

If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!

Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!

“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”

“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston

You have me greening from ear to ear.

What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.

What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.

Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.

Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.

Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.

Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!

What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.

“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney

What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.

Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.

Who’s your paddy?

How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.

I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.

Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.

Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute

A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!

What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.

“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”

- Buddy Hackett.

Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...

Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!

Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!

Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp

Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."

So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.