What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
Skiing is believing!
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Should we go out on Friday? Isla pick you up at 7.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.