What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
I Got to Get You Into My Life