What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.