Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
You should see what I can do with ice.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
I am a mean green machine.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!