“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
Paddy like a rockstar.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
Up to snow good.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!