When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
How was Heaven when you left it?
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
I bet you’re really flexible.
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
Icy what you did there!
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.