How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
"Sip happens."
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.