My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
"What an egg-citing day."
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
You just caused a heat wave.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White