Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”