I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
I think you're mer-mazing.
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.