Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
Composers always score.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.