Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
"Bugs and hisses."
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
I wood never leaf you.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
"You make me egg-static."
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."