I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.