Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson