What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.