An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry