My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
"I don't tan. I burn"
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.