What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."