Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.