Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
My weekend is fully booked.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.