I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.

What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.

I thought I saw some fog yesterday.

But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.

You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.

Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.

What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.

What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.

"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch

Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.

It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.

A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you

How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!

Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.

I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.

Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!

What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.

What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.

What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!

The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.

What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.

Are you a fire detector?
Because you're loud and annoying.

Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!

“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews

What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.

Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.

What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.

What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.

If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.

What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.

What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.

There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.

Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.

Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.

Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.

I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.

Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.

Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!

What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.

What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.

Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.

Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.

What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"