If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
How about I land my space shuttle in your International Space Station?
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Curling? More like curling up next to you in bed, am I right?
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
"You deserve better and so do I."
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.