What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Have you botany plants lately?
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
I'm the life of the paddy.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.