What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
You are pitcher perfect.
Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.