I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Car puns are really tiring
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.