What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.