Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.

I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.

Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.

"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill

"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin

Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas

I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?

What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.

Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?

What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.

Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.

What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.

My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.

How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.

How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.

Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.

“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”

Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.

My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.

When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.

Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.

The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.

My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.

My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.

One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.

What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.

The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.

What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.

What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.

Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.

Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!

It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.

What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.

Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.

Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.

What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.

Happy birthday!

(Kevin Nishmas)

Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated

Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.

Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.

What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.

Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.

When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.

I’m fondue you.

How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?

How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.

The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.