I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!