Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
I beg your garden?
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!