"Don't worry, be hoppy."
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
Are you a tower? Because eiffel for you!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
I’m feelin’ green.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.