"It's wine o'clock."
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
"You're the wine that I want."
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.