What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.

What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!

"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”

Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.

What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.

What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.

Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones

What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.

Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.

Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.

“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright

Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick

What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.

What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.

A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."

When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.

What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!

What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?

Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.

I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter

They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)

"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous

What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.

Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.

What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!

What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!

I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".

Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.

“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere

What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”

Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers

What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.

What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!

What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.

"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."

Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.

What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny

Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.

I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.

Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart

"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan