What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.