Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
Do you have a tan, or do you always look this hot?
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.
"Bone to be wild."
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.