Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Damn girl, I must be an elephant. Because I'd never forget you.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.