My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.

I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.

What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.

Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.

What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.

When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.

Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.

What genre are national anthems?
Country.

Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.

Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!

You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.

A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?

I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.

We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.

I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.

Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.

Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Baby, you can drive my car if we let it be.

What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.

In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans

Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?

What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.

These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.

Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.

How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.

You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.

We’ll have a splash-tastic time.

I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.

When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"

Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.

This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.

What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”

My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.

What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.

“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)

"Have an egg-cellent Easter."

Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.