What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
I would love to show you first class.
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
Best in snow.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
I’m soy
into you.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.