When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.