I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.

Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.

It was mitten in the stars.

Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.

There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.

What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."

I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.

Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.

What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.

Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?

Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.

I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.

I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.

Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.

It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.

One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!

College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.

"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney

Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.

What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.

Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!

Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no

Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.

Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers

Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key

My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!

What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation

What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!

I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!

“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.

I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.

"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.

What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.

"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous

My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.

Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato

"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde

What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant

What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.

What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.