What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
You're my purr-son.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
“Monday should be optional.”
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.