Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
How do I know many hundreds of digits of pi greek and not the 7 digits of your phone number?
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
We should make like your parents and split.
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"