You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
Air resistance is a real drag.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
I give roughing a whole new definition.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
I’m soy into you.
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.