Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
Snow on and snow forth.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.