What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
We could make such a beautiful library together.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
-
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
All you need is MY love
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.