Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
Mooning is very ASStrological
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
I fence-y you.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.