How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Water you doing, my friend?
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief