There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
"Lazy bones."
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
I have a bone to pixie with you.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.