You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
You're the ruler of my heart.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Sips getting real.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
Can you drive my car?
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.