What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Want to become my new personal best?
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.