I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
That’s a bit mulch.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
Girl, let me take you home and show you my advanced statistic.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.