Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
"I lava you."
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
"Back that glass up."
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
You're quite the catch, baby.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase