Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
Do you like free samples?
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
You’re my pot of gold.
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.