Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
You look like a vision in your dress tartan.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
Except the direction I'm walking in.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to my prayers.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.