What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
We make a great pear
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.