A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.
I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.
John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.
Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!
This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.
(By Abimbola T. Alabi)
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
Nice beach balls, can I play?
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“The road to success is always under construction.”
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
I beg your garden?
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
I bet you’re really flexible.